We grow up surrounded by a powerful idea: “Love is everything.” Songs repeat it. Movies build entire plots around it. Social media quotes romanticize it.
But when psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein asked therapists and clients a simple question—what matters more for a relationship to last: love or understanding?—Many chose understanding over love.
So what’s going on here?
The honest answer is: love can start a relationship, but understanding is what makes it survivable. And psychology has a lot to say about why.
Love is real—but it changes form
That intense early-stage feeling—racing heart, constant thoughts, craving closeness—is what psychologists often describe as passionate love. It’s deeply motivating, emotionally loud, and biologically powerful.
A classic framework that helps explain love is Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love, which says love is made of three components:
- Intimacy (emotional closeness)
- Passion (physical/romantic arousal)
- Commitment (the decision to stay)
Early relationships often start with high passion. But passion is not designed to stay at peak intensity forever. Research on romantic love consistently suggests that the hot, obsessive phase is time-limited and usually shifts toward a calmer bond over time.
This doesn’t mean love “dies.”
It means love matures—from “fire” to “fuel.”
Understanding: the invisible system behind long-term love
Here’s the part people underestimate: You can love someone and still make them feel lonely. Because love is a feeling, but understanding is a skill.
Understanding includes:
- Empathy: “I can feel what this might be like for you.”
- Emotional intelligence: noticing emotions, naming them, responding wisely
- Active listening: listening to understand, not to win
- Acceptance: seeing a partner clearly—not just romantically
Bernstein’s core point is something many couples learn painfully late:
People don’t leave only because love is gone—many leave because they feel unseen.
→ Read More: How to Tell if Your Relationship is Heading in the Right Direction
Why understanding often matters more than love
1) Love can be intense but fragile
Passionate love is amazing for bonding, but it doesn’t automatically teach you how to handle:
- disagreements
- stress
- financial pressure
- family interference
- mismatched expectations
- emotional triggers
Understanding is what creates stability when life gets real.
2) Understanding is how conflicts get solved
Most long-term relationship damage doesn’t come from the conflict itself—it comes from how partners interpret each other during conflict.
If I don’t understand you, your silence becomes “you don’t care.”
Your anger becomes “you’re disrespectful.”
Your tiredness becomes “you’re avoiding me.”
Understanding breaks this chain.
3) Understanding creates emotional safety
People stay where they feel safe to be imperfect.
Understanding says:
“I don’t just love the version of you that’s easy. I can hold space for the version of you that’s struggling.”
That’s the relationship glue.
In South Asia: why this hits so close to home
Across South Asia, many relationships carry extra pressure:
- family expectations
- gender-role assumptions
- “People will talk” fear
- limited emotional vocabulary (especially for men)
- communication that’s often indirect
So couples may genuinely love each other—but still don’t know how to understand each other.
That’s why you’ll sometimes see:
- arranged marriages that improve with time (understanding grows)
- love marriages that struggle after the “high” fades (understanding wasn’t built)
It’s not about which one is “better.” It’s about whether the couple learns the skill of emotional understanding.
How to build understanding (practical, not cheesy)
1) Replace “You always…” with “Help me understand…”
“Help me understand what you needed from me there.”
2) Listen for emotion, not just words
When someone complains, ask: “Are you feeling stressed, hurt, or ignored?”
3) Learn your partner’s “support language”
Not just love language—support language: Do they want advice, reassurance, solutions, or just presence?
4) Validate before you correct
Validation isn’t agreement. It’s recognition: “That makes sense. I can see why you felt that way.”
5) Talk when you’re calm, not when you’re feeling angry
If you can’t talk kindly, pause. A calm conversation solves what a dramatic one destroys.
So… love or understanding?
It’s not “love or understanding.” It’s “love and understanding.” But if you forced psychologists and therapists to pick the one that most reliably predicts whether a relationship can last through real life?
Understanding wins—because it protects love from everyday damage.
A deeply romantic line would be: The most meaningful thing isn’t “I love you.”
It’s: “I get you—and I’m still here.”
